Starting over

First off, I want to say thanks to all of you for all your support in this. Reading the comments and the replies on DAM after I posted there as well, really helped me to not be so hard on myself. I know I probably deserved everything that could have been thrown at me, but I'm so thankful to have such a support system that will stand by me, even when things go the wrong way.

So I begin this again. I'm starting fresh, and I guess for now, just basically going to take it day by day. I took off the side fence pics, and will start redoing those every month in the tank top and shorts. Hopefully, I can keep up with those this time.

I'm also going to start logging food on Lose It on my iphone instead of FitDay. Mainly because it can be difficult to get on fitday at work nowadays, and I need to be able to go all day with it, plus take it with me. I'm curious to see how I do on this new system. It says I need to eat 1958 calories every day (not counting calories burned exercising) in order to lose 2 lbs a week! Yikes! Thats a lot of calories! I've really debated today if I want to keep posting my food each day on here, and have wondered if that might be part of the problem. That my expectation to keep up with it, led me to feel I had to hide the bad stuff, despite it being part of the addiction. Well, for now, I'll still post (TRUTHFULLY), and if I decide not to later, then I'll stop.

Today, I skipped bfast since I slept in while D ate dry cereal and had some juice in my room while watching Dora. We had an early lunch of scrambled eggbeaters with yolk, mixed with sliced up canadian bacon, and a sprinkle of cheese on top, plus applesauce on the side. For an afternoon snack, I had half a banana and a fatfree yogurt. And then had a slimfast shake with skim milk before we headed to the mall so I wouldn't be so tempted. We ate dinner there, and D and I split a chicken quesadilla at the burrito place (chicken and cheese only in it). I had a bit of sourcream and salsa with that, and a few chips with the salsa too. Then for dessert, D and I both got ice dream cones from CFA. I'm really going to try to not eat anything else today, but we'll see how that goes. I'm at 1271 calories, and Lose It says I still need 687 calories! (And thats IF I don't do ANY exercise today...it says I need 926 more cals with the activity I did today) Hmmmm...I might just leave it at 1271, but we'll see how I feel later this evening. In a way, its a double edged sword to have that many cals left. It helps to know I COULD have something else tonite, but also now that I have that many left, the chances of it being crap food are more likely. *sigh* We'll see.

I did get some activity in today. I took D to the park, and then we walked down to the lake there. We also walked around the mall (though it wasn't a dedicated walk), and I did 2 miles on the stationary bike tonite.

This is my confession...

This has been a long time coming. And I'm prepared to deal with the fallout. I think. But I probably won't be around for a bit. I'm crazy ashamed I let it get this far, and have been crazy depressed over it for a long time, but have had to wear my poker face on it. And I don't know what else to do but come clean.

Here goes...I've gained back 27 lbs. There. I said it. I'm officially admitting that I've relapsed into food addiction. And I've been hiding it since November. Well, November is when the first inklings occurred. I didn't really throw out the cookie dough one bad night. I ate it. In December, I fought hard to control it, but couldn't stop it. Then came the roadtrip I went on. And ever since its been killing me. I've wanted to admit this so many times, and God keeps telling me that I can't get through this until I confess it, that its going to keep getting worse until I admit to all the lying I've done. I kept thinking, someone would catch me, would bust me on it, and it never happened. And God kept kicking my booty over it. But this last week, He's been on me like crazy to confess it. Last night, when I was at my lowest about it, a lady from Covenant Church called. We haven't attended there in awhile and its been sporadic at best anyway, since D can't handle a regular classroom there. But she said I was on her list to check on. I couldn't believe it. It reminds me of the phrase "listen for the whisper or wait for the brick". Ok God...I got the brick.

I guess if I'm going to confess this, I need to confess as to how bad it got. I've had craploads of fast food lately, several times a day, especially with being home with D last week. I've ordered lots of pizza to be delivered. It's been a complete relapse. And I hate it.

Part of me was scared to confess because I know I've lied to a lot of people about my weight and things related to it. Even knowing that it wasn't quite believable that I'd STILL be on a plateau at 252 lbs. Oddly, I tried to be honest in some ways, thinking that made it better. Everything I posted on my blog that I've eaten the last few months, I really did eat. I just didn't log what ELSE I ate. The crap. I also really had been on BC pills that could have caused me to gain more than I might have otherwise would. And I stopped those two weeks ago.

I know that I've really hurt some people, and I'm so sorry. I couldn't get out of it once I fell, and that's no excuse, but this is a real addiction, and I'm trying my best to not just say screw it all.

SO what do I do now? Confessing this alone is lifting a huge burden off me. God was right, that I couldn't ever get past this til I dealt with it. I know I'll be laying low for awhile, and I know all my friends will prolly be pretty pissed off at me. I have a feeling I'll be losing some friends for this, and I regret that dearly. I didn't want to hurt anyone. With this same thought in mind, I'll be withdrawing from the DAM BLC competition. Not that it counts, but since only I could see the weights, I did use my actual weight, not the 250 numbers. Other than that, I'm going to go back to the way I first started this diet. With the belief that moderation is an evil for us with a food addiction. I need to go back to elimination completely of things, all fast foods definitely, aside from Subway and CFA Grilled chicken. I'm debating keeping the monthly splurges. I think I'll need them, so I will keep those, but I won't be doing any at my house. The fast food splurge at my house was bad for me because I told myself that that was ok. So no more of those. Its so easy when you live as the lone adult in the house to rationalize things more in the privacy of your home. This means I need to work on getting out more as well, so I'm not tempted to. Being isolated is a huge factor, and I definitely used it to the addiction's advantage.

If you are still reading this, please say a prayer for me. And preferably not one that I get struck by lightning. There's no way I can reach my original goal by my birthday, but hopefully, I can get back on track here at 278 lbs, and get back to almost 250, and then keep striving for beyond.

Another day is another day...

I broke down and had carbs tonite. Its been killing me this week and with a rough day at work, I just couldn't stave it off anymore, and really didn't want to fight it. I'm TIRED of fighting it.

Input:
B: Slimfast chocolate shake but with 2% milk this time
S: applesauce
L: the usual...smoked turkey, string cheese, and baby carrots
S: grapes and fatfree yogurt
D: Noodles with a bit of butter and garlic, topped with a bit of lowfat cheese, plus a salad with lowfat ranch
S: The rest of the sherbet :( its all gone now, and then a 100 calorie pudding

Cals: 1356 calories

Output: I bumped it up to 2 miles on the bike, but thats about it

Finally back at work...and shakes...

I wanna give a huge thumbs up to SLIMFAST. lol I dunno about "controlling hunger up to 4 hours", since I just tried it for breakfast this morning, BUT the last two days, I've had a big calorie deficit at the end of the day, and Slimfast has totally helped that. Its been amazing to me how many calories you eliminate when you take out the bad carbs like bread, pasta, and rice. So the last two days when I ended the day at around 960 something, I tried a Slimfast milk shake (I got the powder mix stuff), and it is REALLY good. It makes up 200 calories and all kinds of vitamins. Plus it tastes a lot better than the old school Slimfast did, so I can "almost" imagine I'm having a shake...lol As aforementioned, I tried it this morning for breakfast (but with whole milk, not skim, to change it up a bit) and we'll see how long it goes. D is back at school again today and we'll see how THAT goes, so maybe we can get back in routine.

Input:
B: Slimfast shake with whole milk
S: applesauce and almonds
L: smoked turkey, string cheese, baby carrots, grapes
S: fat free yogurt
D: Skillet chicken covered in some ragu and lowfat cheese, with a sliced roma tomato
S: Sherbet

Cals: 1255 calories

Output: a mile on the exercise bike, I need to get my butt in gear, I keep saying that, but I'm just not up to it, I'm in a funk.

Another day off

And I am sorely tired of this...dealing with D in pain for a full week now has me mentally exhausted. Poor guy, I know he can't help it, but I'm definitely ready for him to be healed! He had such an awful night last night/this morning that I couldn't send him to school. Neither of us got much sleep. We did go to the ENT this afternoon, and got some good news. D should only have another 2 days of pain or so, and he's healing nicely. So that was good to hear. And D actually ATE a bit more today, and was asking for something to drink. He has barely drank anything in a WEEK! So I'm seeing progress, and there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Input:
L: Smoked turkey, 2% milk string cheese, and applesauce
S: 100 cal pudding cup
D: Chili's Guiltless Grill To-Go: grilled chicken, salad with lowfat ranch, glass of skim milk
S: sherbet, and later, another slimfast shake to up my calories. It really has been interesting to see HOW many cals the bad carbs take up!!

Cals: 1161 calories

Output: a mile on the bike, nothing else, I really need to up my workouts...

Well he did TRY to go to school

D so wanted to, so I sent him today. Unfortunately, poor guy was just having a rough time with pain management...so he didn't make it all day. We'll try again tomorrow.

I did manage to hang on to the first day back on no bad carbs.

Input:
B: applesauce and almonds
L: smoked turkey, string cheese (2% milk), baby carrots
S: CapriSun and a fat free yogurt
D: Eggbeaters with yolk and turkey sausage, with a bit of salsa, and a glass of skim milk
S: Orange sherbet, and then later, a slimfast shake to make up calories

Cals: 1168 calories

Output: one mile on the bike, not much else

I missed two days

I didn't post for two days, but it was such a long two days, with being the worst in pain for D's healing, that I have no clue what I ate. So I'm going to chalk those up as lost days. I know I didn't do awful, as we didn't leave the house except once on Friday, and not at all Saturday. But otherwise I can not remember what in the world I DID eat. I know there was popcorn on Friday evening when I got a movie night out, but other than that...*shrug*. So I'll start over today.

Tomorrow is the beginning of only good carbs for 5 days again. I totally failed in it last week, but it happened. It was a rough week.

Also tomorrow D will be back at school. I'm not so certain that it's the right thing to do, as I don't think he's completely READY to go back to daycare all day, poor guy, but I have to go back to work, and I don't really have much other choice. I'll see how he's doing in the morning and make a final decision.

Input:
L: eggbeaters with some shredded cheese and canadian bacon
S: grapes and a pudding cup
D: baked chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli with some light ranch dressing
S: 1 cup of sherbet

Cals: 1247 calories

Output: 1 mile on the recumbent stationary bike, and a 30 minute walk around Target